You know you’re famous when…

I renewed my driver’s licence last week, and while waiting for the photographer, I looked at the mugshots of previous patrons. I recognised a face: Ralph Lawson. I looked closer at the other photos – it was a wall of honour! Fiona Coyne, Morné du Plessis, Herschelle Gibbs, Natalie du [...]

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Book Review: The Shack – William P Young

I seldom read Christian fiction, but I was told that I must read this book. I was told that it’s so amazing it’ll change my life.
The cover states that The Shack has the potential to become the Pilgrim’s Progress of our generation.
It hasn’t.
It’s badly written and full of plot holes. The theology clears up some [...]

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Cycling in Spring

The road glistens from the night rain. Droplets splash up onto my legs as the wheels slice through the wet. Frogs call to each other across the valley, a concert of surround sound. Watery sunbeams filter through the leaves of the Sweet Chestnuts, dappling the road.
Sweat dribbles down my face. Wiping it away, I taste [...]

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The Parable of the Prodigal Banks

“So what’s this global economic meltdown all about then?” I heard someone asking an actuary.
“Well, I’m not really sure”.
‘But as far as I can see, banks in America and Europe got greedy and ‘made a mistake’. Joe Public panicked by selling off his investments in Third World countries which had nothing to [...]

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It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday…

It’s 2am and your Beer Goggles have 20/20 vision. Your ex becomes irresistible, and you must tell him NOW! You forget he lives on another continent with his wife and 2,4 children. So you email him. You remind him about the fabulous times you had, and tell him how much you miss him.
Then you push [...]

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Jingle Bells, Santa Smells, Easter’s on the Way…

The supermarkets haven’t started with ‘Mary’s Boy Child’ yet, but the bling is out in all its glory.
Trundling past a gondola end, I did a bit of a double take when I walked past a herd of these chaps:
Thinks: Why are the Lindt Easter Bunnies out now? Old stock, or serious advance marketing?
Looks closer: They’re [...]

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Killed for a Cellphone

Goodman’s daughter was mugged last week. She lost her her cellphone and R100. “They were very polite,” she says. “They gave me my simcard before running away.”
The drugs they wanted cost R130. Because they had the R100, they sold the cellphone for R30.
This week, Goodman tells me that those young men [...]

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‘Just’ is a four-letter word

Usually uttered by imbeciles with no sense of what’s practical. And accepted unquestioningly by cognitively deficient cretins.
Like the moron who says, “Why don’t you just build a wall?” is probably expecting the response, “Oh, what a good idea, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll do it tomorrow.” That’s fine, unless you were [...]

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On Fidelity

We watched a B-Grade movie last night, where there were a lot of extra-marital doings.
I trust Mr Muffin implicitly, but movies like this get me thinking. And he’s been working long hours for the last few weeks (though this is more likely to have something to do with the fact that I am [...]

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Tracking down Classmates

Our matric class is having its 25th reunion, and it’s my job to find everyone. Just gotta love the interweb. And parents who’ve lived in the same house since before the Dead Sea was even sick.
So far, I’ve discovered that many of the class are on second marriages (or divorces). Most have [...]

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On Tutu Not Voting

I understand that Tutu is disappointed in the ANC. I also understand that existing opposition parties do not offer policies that are acceptable to him.
But what I don’t understand is the refusal to vote at all.
I know it is simplistic to say that Nelson Mandela spent time in jail to give him the vote. [...]

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On Relationships (Warning: Soppiness Ahead)

I see new couples holding hands. I see the chemistry. The unspoken sexuality in their eyes. The little-too-loud laughter. The desire to please physically and emotionally. I miss it.
But I don’t see the days spent wondering if he’ll call. Nights alone in a cold bed. Not knowing. [...]

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Feeling Flushed

Have you ever noticed that the shoppers in hardware stores and nurseries aren’t as grumpy as those in supermarkets?
While Mr Muffin and I were pottering around Builders Warehouse yesterday, he turned to me and said, “I need the loo”. He asked a shop assistant for directions, and was pointed to the other end [...]

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On the hygiene of handbags

The bottom of a handbag must be one of the filthiest things around.
You see handbags on floors of restaurants, offices, public toilets, cinemas. All places where other people have walked. People with dirty shoes. Shoes that have stepped in dog poo, vomit, blood and bubblegum.
You don’t put these shoes on your furniture. [...]

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Other People’s Bathrooms

“Your scale’s wrong.”
“Pardon?”
“It’s out by a few kilo’s.”
Guest Number Three: “About four.”
“What? Have you lot come to dinner to go to the loo and weigh yourselves?”
“No. But your scale’s definitely out. I’ve never weighed so much”.
“You’ve just eaten an enormous meal. What do you expect?”
“Talking of enormous, I see you buy the extra [...]

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