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Archive for October, 2008

I renewed my driver’s licence last week, and while waiting for the photographer, I looked at the mugshots of previous patrons. I recognised a face: Ralph Lawson. I looked closer at the other photos – it was a wall of honour! Fiona Coyne, Morné du Plessis, Herschelle Gibbs, Natalie du Toit and even Archbishop Njongonkulu Ndungane had been sent ‘outside, round the corner’ to the tatty caravan to have their photographs taken.

So that’s my new goal. Next time I renew my driver’s licence, if my mugshot is on the wall of that caravan, I’ll know I’ve cracked the big time.

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I seldom read Christian fiction, but I was told that I must read this book. I was told that it’s so amazing it’ll change my life.

The cover states that The Shack has the potential to become the Pilgrim’s Progress of our generation.

It hasn’t.

It’s badly written and full of plot holes. The theology clears up some concepts that I’ve grappled with. But the inconsistencies of the fiction jar so strongly that I found myself throwing the book across the room a few times.

I feel that I’ve been cheated. I’m annoyed that this book has stolen my time.

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The road glistens from the night rain. Droplets splash up onto my legs as the wheels slice through the wet. Frogs call to each other across the valley, a concert of surround sound. Watery sunbeams filter through the leaves of the Sweet Chestnuts, dappling the road.

Sweat dribbles down my face. Wiping it away, I taste the salt on my lips.

Spring smells of rich soil and new growth rise from the earth, promising a time of fresh healing.

No cars on the road. I lean into the bends, taking the sweet line each time. Undiluted pleasure.

Life is good.

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“So what’s this global economic meltdown all about then?” I heard someone asking an actuary.

“Well, I’m not really sure”.

‘But as far as I can see, banks in America and Europe got greedy and ‘made a mistake’. Joe Public panicked by selling off his investments in Third World countries which had nothing to do with said ‘mistake’. Joe reinvested his money in ‘safe’ America and Europe. The same America and Europe that made the ‘mistake’.”

So Joe’s alright Jack. Joe don’t care that the Third World countries sink deeper into the morass.

There we go then. Clear as mud.

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It’s 2am and your Beer Goggles have 20/20 vision. Your ex becomes irresistible, and you must tell him NOW! You forget he lives on another continent with his wife and 2,4 children. So you email him. You remind him about the fabulous times you had, and tell him how much you miss him.

Then you push the ‘Send to All’ button.

Help is at hand…Mail Goggles. If you send mail late at night on weekends, Gmail asks you to solve a few sums. If you can’t, your mail won’t be sent.

I wish they’d do the same for Facebook Shamefacebook.

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The supermarkets haven’t started with ‘Mary’s Boy Child’ yet, but the bling is out in all its glory.

Trundling past a gondola end, I did a bit of a double take when I walked past a herd of these chaps:

Thinks: Why are the Lindt Easter Bunnies out now? Old stock, or serious advance marketing?

Looks closer: They’re not bunnies. They’ve mutated into reindeer!

How did they do that? Clench the leftover bunnies between sweaty thighs until the chocolate was soft enough to massage into reindeer shape?


I reckon I’m not far wrong. Just look how smug young Rudolph is.

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Goodman’s daughter was mugged last week. She lost her her cellphone and R100. “They were very polite,” she says. “They gave me my simcard before running away.”

The drugs they wanted cost R130. Because they had the R100, they sold the cellphone for R30.

This week, Goodman tells me that those young men are now dead. The community caught them and punished them for their crime. The only information they got out of the kids was that the group of drug dealers is called ‘Iraq’.

Sadly, Goodman doesn’t believe that their deaths will be a deterrent to other young thieves.

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